bakerstreet | wanted: single f, under 33, must enjoy the sun, must enjoy the sea

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wanted: single f, under 33, must enjoy the sun, must enjoy the sea

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Before Bumble, and Tinder, and Facebook Marketplace, we had personals, a place where loneliness went to die.

The meme is simple — treat your top-level the way your character would treat a personal ad in the newspaper, or on Craigslist. They should write what they're searching for in the header, and fill the body with more details as needed. Advertise yourself! Be direct! Be honest!

Those who reply are likely here to flame you, but that's to be expected. No one said love was easy.

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Must not wear pants — dresses only. Must not subject herself to ungodly music. Mustn't have male friends. (Female friends are permissible, but no sluts.) No previous children. Virginity intact. Few vulgarities.

Handsome is not enough for that many demands. You gotta be rich too. Like CRAZY rich.

[ What the FUCK is he reading? ] Are you a scav? You sound like you're gonna chop up women for parts with this shit.

Also 'well-bred' means somethin' completely different nowadays, choom. Contradicts the virginity requirement, actually.

Edited 2025-06-10 20:41 (UTC)

( Well he can see the red flags radiating from this post. )

👎 Women are more fun when they're willing to challenge you.

I admit I'm not much to look at, but I'm the smartest man you'll ever meet. Must love music -- and if you don't know how to play it, I can teach you. Would kill for the right woman, and I'll even write you your own opera.

Brains and music sounds good. And the last time someone tried to teach me to play I called them an idiot and said I wasn't going to learn from someone who couldn't be bothered to tune their own piano. Perfect pitch and inept teachers is a bad combination. As for not being much to look at, as long as you're not a bitch or a snake I can live with that.

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Must be able to win a fight one on one. Any methods permitted.

Isn't the point of joinin' a school that you start from zero? How are we gonna have an epic duel where the student surpasses the teacher if you do that coming out of the gate?

Edited 2025-06-10 01:19 (UTC)

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I'm so sorry

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NO I'M CACKLING please roast him

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Must look good on camera, and okay with taking photos. All costs will be covered by me. Just need your beautiful self and be ready for a good time

Tell me more about this good time.

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Look, I'll be real. I can't go anywhere near water, I can't even fucking drink it - who knows how I'm alive. I've tried some shit but I'm tired of smelling like milk. My professors are complaining.

Help a guy out? Even if it's holding me under the water, while I try not to burn and probably fight you.

Listen. I’ve got a secret method. It’s gonna blow your MIND.

But I can’t just go giving it to every guy who asks. Can’t just do that.

Dylan knows and enjoys bits - that didn't come out as intended

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I don’t know what this thread is

ratmanreed - 2025-06-09 23:59 (UTC) - Expand

Do we ever know

hasworkfriends - 2025-06-10 00:01 (UTC) - Expand

no

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hasworkfriends - 2025-06-10 00:05 (UTC) - Expand

cn: nsfw ? rat cum ?

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I don’t even

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He's hacking you, Dylan

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Luv Mike luv that for him

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I’m keeping this typo it feels apt

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I’m sorry

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Full confrontation energy (hello)

stinkynotdead - 2025-06-10 01:14 (UTC) - Expand

hewwo OwO

ratmanreed - 2025-06-10 01:17 (UTC) - Expand

I wish you to know I've read all Mike&Gavin threads, in my house we randomly say 'rat cummies'

stinkynotdead - 2025-06-10 01:27 (UTC) - Expand

I’m so sorry we’ve put you through all that LMFAO

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I am merely rooting for a second pistol whip

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You and me both 🤝

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Live all of your dreams 🌌

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cn: bestiality mention ??

ratmanreed - 2025-06-10 02:00 (UTC) - Expand

Cw ah, definitely bestiality

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Re: Cw ah, definitely bestiality

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Ryan is attempting to make it awkward

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Good luck Ryan 🫡

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Cw incest???

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cn: definitely incest

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He has read the board

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traumatized by the board

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He does not know the clown bit this is an accident on his part

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soon we will introduce him to the clown lore

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?????????

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Ah not them both with the "I'm sorry?"

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Have you tried dry shampoo?

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meltinglight - 2025-06-10 01:19 (UTC) - Expand

[ Alright, a bit of sweat is sexy, but this? Nah, this ain't it. ] No moisture at all, not even wipes? Smoke baths, I guess.

Edited 2025-06-10 01:26 (UTC)

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mikoshi - 2025-06-10 01:36 (UTC) - Expand

I'm not holding you under water, but I can stand a safe distance away with a high powered hose.

Ew. I can't believe I'm asking this but have you tried body spray? Also dry shampoo is your friend.

What's your love language? Mine's singing!

pros: The food will be great and I don’t care if you end up hooking up with someone in a broom closet. cons: you will have to meet my dad and he sucks

Further information needed regarding "sucks". Also, would I need to make a good impression to him or is having tits enough?

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Curious. All that would be required would be to spend an evening in polite company, perhaps dance, and possibly converse with your father? I am certainly game, but have you no friends to help you?

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Looking for those with a particular set of skills iykwim, but not picky. Willing train anyone eager enough. Fwb arrangement possible. Willing to try most things in the bedroom at least once.

( Is this a wanted ad for an accomplice or a fuckbuddy? ~~Yes.~~ )

I would prefer someone good with a sword, unafraid of danger, with an eye for detail and a mind for riddles. I will discuss terms and purpose privately.

How good with a sword? As long as you don't mind high tolerance for danger rather than completely unafraid let's talk.

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Duties include: Cleaning rooms, laundry, organizing bookshelves, occasionally holding down blueprints, and morning sword drills. Cultivation skills helpful but not required.

Is there a salary?

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Radio DJ with a daily show looking for interesting stories to share in brief interview segments. Free publicity for those who need it!

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