bakerstreet | better hope things turn around quick!

[ he will not punch spock in the face. he will not punch spock in the face. he will not punch spock in the face.

spock rolls up his sleeve and jim only barely doesn't punch him in the face. he does grip his arm vice-tight, however, at the elbow, and examine the wound. his eyes keep flicking to the fungal bits. ]

When did this happen?

[ a flat demand. his grip on spock's arm is hard enough to bruise but he doesn't even notice because he's too busy running through scenarios in his head. ]

[ The desire for violence is apparent even were it not radiating off Kirk in tangible waves of pressure. In another, less dire situation, he would again commend Kirk's restraint solely to get beneath his skin. In their current condition, he allows the vice grip to his arm, recognizing that the bruises Kirk's fingers will leave are in place of other, more overt violence.

Kirk's fury roils over his mind. Spock spends a moment stifling the spill of Kirk's thoughts, ensuring his own emotional control is not affected, before he answers. ]

During initial contact with the native hosts. [ He knows what he says next will only infuriate Kirk all the more. He says it anyway. ] I was able to prevent Ensign Ro from coming into contact with the spores.

[ He was the first one who realized the parasitic nature of the native flora and the carrier fauna during that initial slaughter. He knew full well what he was doing when he took the wound for her. ]

[ jim punches spock in the face.

fa'vi'do is out, no one else has shown up yet, and jim just reels back and slams his fist into spock's face. just the once, but it takes a lot of effort to keep it to that. the amount of rage he'd already felt is nothing compared to what he feels now; incandescent and overwhelming. ]

Of course. Of course you were, you stupid fuck.

[ spock knew exactly what he was doing then, and jim knows what spock was doing also. he yanks spock in real close against himself, voice a low hiss. ]

If you think I'm going to let you off so easily you really are stupid.

[ foolish. spock doesn't get to preach all the shit jim heard him preach to his jim over the years before everything went to shit about a captain not sacrificing themselves because the crew needs him and then turn around to do shit like this. ]

[ He rocks on his feet, kept upright by the hold Kirk still has on him. Perhaps he could have avoided it. The reaction was certainly one Spock could have anticipated, had he thought to. But he had not. Though not overcome, his cognition has clearly been affected by the spores in his system.

Silently, Spock waits, distantly curious to see if Kirk will attempt to strike him again. The flashfire blaze of Kirk's feelings certainly makes it seem likely, but he's only reeled in, head tilting automatically to catch Kirk's low, furious hiss. ]

While your intent is duly noted, I am curious what you believe you can do to avoid "letting me off."

[ A sardonic curl of his lips. Dying had hardly been his aim, even if it may be a consequence of his actions. ]

[ there's something vicious in jim's expression. it's happened less and less as late, though jim would, as always, be furious to be told he's been gentling in any way, shape or form.

none of that relative peace or calm is present now. he keeps his grip on spock and grins, wide and nasty. ]

You really think I'd let you stay dead? As long as I get you into stasis before you pop, you can be brought back. How many times have I died, Spock? Once by your hand! And here I am, on my feet, by your fucking side.

[ the line of his throat is tense, though. it relies heavily on timing. there has to be an intact body for the mccoys to manage anything, which is why he had lost—

—the others of the crew appear over the ridge and jim lets spock go, schooling his expression but only barely. ]

Roll your damn sleeve down, Captain.

[ The vicious tinge to Kirk's expression is not a surprise. Neither is the grin Kirk gives him, the expression one Kirk would also be chagrined to realize he has been utilizing less and less as of late; it is the expression Kirk wears when he attempts to remind Spock that he is a morally bankrupt murderer who has committed countless atrocities in the place of Spock's bondmate. Kirks' efforts are futile, of course. Spock could not forget that fact.

As a result, the threat — and it clearly is a threat, Spock is able to tell even without Kirk's bruising grip — does not land with the hostility Kirk clearly intends.

The other crew members are far enough away that Spock does not worry about them overhearing as he responds. ]

Indeed, you are here at my side. [ Pointedly, he touches the back of his hand to Kirk's and projects his satisfaction at having Kirk here, how he has not even once this mission considered that Kirk might be in any way unreliable despite the fury Spock has been certain he would ignite. How deeply he trusts Kirk. ] However, your resurrection methods may have some difficulty so long as the spores remain inside my body.

[ Placidly, Spock tugs his sleeve down, covering the wound. He would prefer to avoid death if at all possible. It is unlikely, but at the least, he has lasted a significantly longer time than any other member of the crew as himself despite the infection. ]

[ his eyes flick down to the touch of their hands, his fingers instinctively twitching; though he does not allow them to fully react a surge of annoyance flicks through him at his own body's reflexive response.

not to say he is not also annoyed at spock's smug satisfaction. he looks at spock a long moment, eyes narrow, before he finally speaks again. ]

Payback's a bitch for that time I was in stasis for three weeks to clear out that Tranoxian virus, Spock.

[ and that's the end of that conversation point; they no longer have time for this and jim takes a step back to greet them.

ensign ro is not present. his jaw tightens again. ]

Ensign Neetah, report.

[ he is barely fucking hanging on here. if ro is goddamn dead after the shit spock pulled, he's not going to be able to contain it. ]

[ Of course, Spock is able to feel that surge of annoyance. In consideration of Kirk's already elevated stress levels, he does not project his own momentary amusement in return.

The amusement is short lived — would have been, already, due to his current situation, but it is even more swiftly stamped down as Neetah haltingly relays her information.

Ensign Ro unwisely attempted to reason with one of her friends who was infected; her belief that she would be able to get through to him despite the advanced stage of his infection led to receiving a bite wound through which the spores entered her system. When it was discovered by the rest of the party that she was now a carrier of the parasites, she had insisted that she would be able to resist their influence. The crew, unwilling to abandon one of their own, had allowed her to accompany them toward the rendezvous point. Though the spores in Ensign Ro's system eventually proliferated enough to present visible symptoms, she did not inform the others.

When the parasites inevitably seized control of her nervous system and motor functions, Ro was killed by Lieutenant Junior Grade Comilla, though not before infecting Comilla herself.

Comilla refused to travel any further with the other crew, instead choosing to remain behind and attempt to hold off the group of natives drawn to the noise of their altercation.

As Neetah finishes her report, Spock does not allow himself to stiffen. He does, however, slant a glance at Kirk, eyes dark as he searches for the man's reaction. ]

Edited 2025-01-11 21:27 (UTC)

[ something does certainly happen and jim does definitely have a reaction when neetah finishes her report. she looks nervous: jim is volatile on a good day and though he's generally more behaved than before, at least in an overt violence sense, he's often still an unknown factor to everyone but spock and both mccoys.

however, jim does not explode. he does not yell, he does not even turn and punch spock in the face again.

something about him seems to visibly settle; when he speaks again it's crisp and businesslike but completely detached. ]

Thank you for your report, Ensign.

[ she looks surprised: jim rarely thanks anyone for anything, and when he does it's often sarcastic. this at least seems perfunctory and not mocking. she and kora'g have never seen anything like this from jim.

it is the same as when he'd snapped his mind shut like a steel trap to keep spock out of his head before he could find out that he was impersonating his other self. the cutoff from all outward appearance of emotion or availability to telepathic connection is sudden and complete.

he tilts his head slightly. it looks a little wrong. just a little. ]

The Enterprise's ETA is a little under an hour. Be prepared for immediate retrieval upon arrival.

[ then he brings out his tricorder and scans both ensigns that managed to actually show up. ]

Just a precaution. Both clear, Captain.

[ there's no inflection. ]

Acknowledged, Commander.

[ Crisp and calm, as though Kirk's perfectly professional attitude is nothing out of the ordinary. The other crew members are staring at him as though expecting him to whip off a mask and reveal he is an evil double; the reaction is not surprising as Kirk has never before bothered to control himself to such a degree around anyone but Spock.

If this is meant to further punish Spock for his actions — and he has no doubt that Kirk fully intends that — it is ineffective. Perhaps had Kirk been his bondmate the sudden lack of even ambient psychic read would be more than a snub, but as he is not... More likely, though, is that Kirk is too infuriated to maintain anything but this forced calm. Though he is better at hiding it, Kirk is just as unwilling to face a loss of control as Jim had been, and even Spock, who sincerely regrets the loss of Ensign Ro's life, had felt an uncharitable blaze of emotion upon hearing how she had died, stupidly and needlessly.

He nods to the gathered crew members, and orders them off to the cliffs to rest and care for their various wounds. There is no point in instructing Kirk to join them, or in attempting to rest himself. He will be unable to, and he is not stupid enough to give an order he is aware Kirk will not obey.

When they are settled, he takes a seat on one of the nearby rock outcroppings. No one else will mark it as a sign of weakness, but he has no illusions that Kirk will fail to notice. Until Kirk raises some topic of conversation, though, he is perfectly willing to wait for the Enterprise to arrive in dead silence. ]

[ punishing spock is what jim is telling himself at least, but it really is the other thing: a frantic means of asserting control over himself and the situation before it completely slips through his fingers. but it already has, really: spock is infected, and there's no way he's going to tell those fucking ensigns that, the ensign spock got infected for was so fucking stupid she got herself and multiple other people killed, and jim is just...

for one of the very, very few times in his life, jim feels tired. bone-deep exhaustion of the sort that sleep would never fix. he felt this way after spock died, but worse. he'd been able to an extent maintain an image, a reputation for what he's always been.

but there's a reason he left to go to an entirely different timeline, isn't there? he couldn't stand to be there, couldn't see an empty space where there once wasn't, and he was and is too much of a fucking coward to end it in a way that he can't be brought back from. they were supposed to die together. kill each other. he made that so fucking clear over the years and fuck, spock had had a disruptor with him when he died. he could have shot jim in the face and ended them together. or even just let him stay in the same space with him as the localized self-destruct counted down but he didn't. he just fucking looked at jim and dropped the bulkhead between them when there wasn't enough time left for jim to override it. and what was he supposed to do then?

fuck. he feels like he's gonna puke. there's a reason he never thinks about this, either.

he realizes he's been staring at nothing for a while, way too long, but his eyes skate over to where spock is sitting. a bubble of anger and something else rises in his throat but he swallows it down before it smothers him.

he walks over to where spock is sitting, limbs tight in a way only the captain would notice, and sits next to him. the silence draws on for a long, long time.

finally, his voice flat: ]

I don't get it.

[ A quick, flicked glance at Kirk every so often shows that whatever he is thinking, it is not positively contributing to the situation. Spock says nothing, though, merely waits. Eventually, his patience is rewarded as Kirk stiffly walks to him and sits beside him. Tension radiates from him, as taut as a drawn bow.

When he speaks, Spock calmly turns to look at him. ]

I require further clarification.

[ jim runs his tongue over his teeth before he speaks; it's another self-leveling gesture he uses less often as late. today, though, he needs the balancing even if he won't actually get it from this.

he needs a lot of things he won't get, apparently. ]

The whole self-sacrificial song and dance. If you hadn't done shit back then, Ro would be the only one dead. Instead, several are and you're fucked too.

[ Spock's eyebrow flicks up at Kirk's description of his situation; however, even he must admit that he does currently seem to be "fucked." For all that his physiology has slowed the growth of the parasite, it is undeniably growing. He is not a mindless thrall to the fungus yet, but it is still only a matter of time. Long enough, he hopes, that he will be able to see the remainder of the Away Team to the ship and find some way to convince Kirk that he should not destroy this universe even if Spock is no longer in it.

The latter will be notably more difficult than the former. ]

Had I not taken the action I did, Ro's death was assured. Though the ultimate outcome has proven to be suboptimal, at the time, my actions were the logical course to ensure the survival of the greatest number of crewmembers.

[ He does not try to explain that he would rather die himself than see someone else die in his place, or that if he can save someone, he will choose to do so regardless of the risk. If he required Kirk to understand such things, he would not have allowed his commission to XO of the Enterprise. ]

Stupid.

[ sharp but also bitter. ]

Hypocrite, too.

[ he needs to do something, anything, to get this fucking energy out. he's so...

he's so—

—he grits his teeth so hard they creak and stops talking, but he also doesn't move away. he keeps sitting. stays next to spock.

none of this, none of this was ever supposed to happen. sometimes he misses when he didn't even know how to feel alone. when nothing fucking mattered. when no one fucking mattered.

at length, he flexes his fingers and holds out his hand. ]

Sleeve up. Give me your arm.

[ it's too late to stop it from spreading internally, but there are other issues at hand he intends to take care of. ]

[ Spock waits through the insults, allows the acrid rage of them to press against his mental shields. There are fewer than he expects. Kirk is restraining himself in a remarkable fashion. That he remains near Spock is in many ways shocking; before, when in this mood, Kirk has always sought isolation.

He waits through Kirk's silence, listening to the grating sound of teeth against teeth. he watches the muscle twitching in Kirk's neck, the livid jut of Kirk's clenched jaw.

When Kirk makes his demand, Spock flicks his gaze up to meet Kirk's eyes, then, without any comment, offers out his arm and neatly tugs up the sleeve.

The wound and its spider-thread filaments appear unchanged. Perhaps there are a few more of the strands of mycological webbing. Perhaps there are not. The green splotches of blood, however, have vanished. Kirk has been within distance of him and will know that Spock did nothing to clean the wound. ]

I am curious as to your reasoning behind calling my actions hypocritical.

[ As Kirk's fingers close around his arm, the touch and the jagged blaze of Kirk's thoughts hurts far more than the wound.

And he has no doubt that whatever Kirk intends to do will cause far greater pain. Spock does not even once think of avoiding it. ]

[ for more long moments, jim doesn't answer. he looks at spock's arm, notes the missing blood, shoots the vulcan a withering, acidic look, then grips his arm tightly in one hand, holding it still. the other unhooks his knife sheath from his belt: he drags the hilt out with his teeth, shoves the leather casing into spock's free hand, then glances over spock's shoulder to ascertain what the present crew are doing.

after that, he takes the knife from between his teeth, alters the angle of his grip on it, then without preamble starts to scrape the webbed filaments out of the wound with the sharp edge of the blade, not even looking up at him as he finally, finally starts to speak again. ]

What, you think I don't fucking know how pissed you'd get whenever he did shit like this? Put himself into danger to save people? But it's fine when you do it, right?

[ he's not kind enough to not bring up the kirk he's replacing in this timeline even if not for spock in that way. why should he be? stupid fuck might even get reunited with his dead husband soon anyway at this rate. ]

There are different rules, when you're Spock. Spock's allowed to fuck off and die after all his speeches about how important the fucking Captain is, how the crew needs its Captain so it's unconscionable for the Captain to sacrifice themself. It was never about the fucking Captaincy, you fucking liar.

[ as he says this part, the tip digs in harshly in a part of the wound where a piece of flesh actively needs to be excised.

there's far less blood than there should be for how much he's cutting away. that just pisses him off more. ]

Self-righteous, preaching, selfish piece of shit.

Edited 2025-02-28 04:42 (UTC)

[ Curiously, Spock can feel very little sensation from the grip of Kirk's hand digging into his flesh. The expected psychic feedback is present, a strong, bitter hum of Kirk's thoughts. There is only a negligible amount of pain from the iron grip, though. A sign, Spock suspects, of how far the fungal threads have spread through this part of his body. After all, the fully infected crewmembers and natives had not reacted at all to any kind of injury.

That odd half-numbness is immediately stripped away the moment Kirk's knife dislodges a single filament. Agony shoots through Spock's arm, turns the wound into a burning ache. Spock does nothing. He grits his teeth against the pain and holds his arm perfectly still to allow Kirk to continue. To let Kirk continue slicing away at skin and muscle and green-tinged flesh laid bare, all threaded through with the foreign glisten of the webbing. ]

You are correct. [ His voice is tight with pain, but he manages to keep his tone nearly level. ] It was not about the captaincy.

[ Blunt. With Jim's absence, it is easy to miss that all of Spock's concern had been for Jim himself. Jim is no longer here to be made aware of how deeply Spock's emotional compromise had run.

He cannot help but flinch as Kirk digs the knife in, but Spock immediately forces his arm still again. Kirk will know the true extent of his pain from that reaction. It does not matter. Spock trusts Kirk to continue anyway. ]

[ the fact that the pain clearly returns when jim disturbs the settling-in fungus is interesting. he's not sure if it's encouraging, but it is a thread to follow, so he keeps going, would even if it wasn't because if spock's wound looks like a normal wound in the event someone sees it, if it doesn't look infected jim has more time to get him into stasis and get this shit solved between the mccoys.

because that's the thing, right? that's the thing. if spock dies he really, really has nothing left.

spock's answer to his accusation isn't surprising. of course it isn't. it still claws down his throat, digs hooks into his chest, and yanks. ]

Fuck you.

[ he keeps digging. he notices the flinch, but it doesn't fucking matter. jim's still glad it hurts because it means the nerves are working.

he hates that he's glad. he hates that he gives a shit. ]

Fuck you, Spock.

[ repetition with further personalization: jim's vision is blurring enough that he blinks, confused, before he notes his cheek feeling wet.

he's... crying? he's cried one time that he can recall and it's when spock died without jim and now he's fucking crying over another spock who's gonna die without him. always, always left behind.

his breath shakes, but he makes no other sound. his shoulders are twitching from the effort, but he makes no other sound as he carves the last of the infection from at least the wound itself. ]

I hate you so fucking much.

[ other than that, of course. ]

[ Spock is not surprised by the first curse — was, in fact, expecting it after his reply. He is pleased to see that Kirk does not allow his anger to change the manner in which he continues to carve chunks of flesh and filament from Spock's arm.

It is a futile effort, of course. Spock will inform the medical team that he is infected the moment he is aboard the ship, if not the others trapped on the planet with them sooner. He intends only to conceal his status as long as he is completely in control of himself and thus able to protect his crewmembers while they wait for transport. There is no need to point this out to Kirk. Spock is certain Kirk knows him well enough to realize what he plans. That he knows Kirk well enough to understand that Kirk intends to thwart him in these actions is faintly bemusing, but even the curiosity surrounding that fact is buried by the pain that strikes through his body as Kirk slices out one large clump of webbing.

Spock hisses and bends his head, clenches his teeth hard enough that he accidentally bites his tongue on the sound. When he looks up again, blinking against the pain, he thinks for a moment that the infection has caused him to hallucinate. It is the only explanation for the wet tracks on Kirk's cheeks.

Then the surge tide of Kirk's thoughts hits him and Spock finds himself hissing out a breath for another reason entirely: loneliness, dark and consuming, the certainty that he will be abandoned. They claw through Spock's mind with such force that it takes him several seconds to isolate the emotions and realize that they are Kirk's rather than his own.

I hate you so fucking much, and it feels as though Spock is saying it himself, the words rasping out of his throat.

Spock pulls his arm away from Kirk. Reaches out and pulls the knifes from Kirk's grasp. Sets it aside. His head is blank, static with the shock of Kirk's feelings. Purely on instinct, he leans forward and wraps his hand around the nape of Kirk's neck. Their foreheads do not touch.

Levelly, utterly certain, he says: ]

You wish that were true.

Edited 2025-03-02 03:45 (UTC)

[ jim has absolutely no intention of letting spock throw himself away. as long as jim can get a handle on him, as long as he can get him where he needs to be, it'll be fine. it'll be fucking fine. spock'll be fine.

because spock not being fine is unacceptable, see. he refuses. he's got to hold onto that because for the second time in his life, he feels like he's going to crack right down the middle. and the worst part is, it's not this spock that broke him, that turned him into this shit. he was just too fucking stupid to realize it until it was too late and now this spock has just made it a thousand times worse since then.

sucks to suck, huh?

jim's cut out all the flesh he needed to so it doesn't matter that spock pulls his arm away, takes the knife—

—for the first time ever he actually fucking gasps in surprise over something spock's done, in this case grip his nape, the touch feeling like it's burning him up from the inside out. he can't do this, doesn't want to do this, his brows furrow and he yanks back, but even though he probably actually could right now, spock's hand doesn't get dislodged. ]

You don't know shit about what I wish, Captain.

[ but it's thick in a way he hates, awful in a way he doesn't even recognize coming out of his own mouth. ]

[ Spock does not bother with disagreeing. Not when his hand remains hot against Kirk's skin, when Kirk pulled away but did not actually put any distance between them. Kirk's surprise runs electric through him, and with anyone else, Spock would release his hold. Anyone else, and he would allow them to run from this truth.

But not Kirk. Not this man, who makes such unreasonable demands upon him. Not this man, who will not let Spock go even when he wishes to.

Distantly, Spock is aware of a sick satisfaction beneath the numbing current of Kirk's emotions. Satisfaction — and fascination, just as hot and bitter, as the proof of Kirk's misery washes through his mind. Perhaps what Kirk has said is true: he must be more alike to the Spock of Kirk's universe than he would ever care to admit if he is able to find any kind of pleasure in this suffering, no matter that Kirk well deserves every second of it.

Does Kirk know? He can't help but wonder if this is what Kirk had seen in him that led him to insist how alike he was. ]

You desperately wish it were true. That you could hate me for not being him. [ Cold and matter of fact, a stone set against the emotion thrumming as much through Kirk's voice as touch of skin to skin. ] Even more, that you could hate me for being myself.

[ He knew, the first time Kirk looked at him with that glint in his eyes. He knew, when Kirk sent his first gift, the soft, furry bundles of sehlat cubs. He knew then as he knows now, that Kirk will not — cannot — see him as a mere replacement for the Spock he lost because Kirk sees him for himself, utterly different, a unique existence in all the many worlds. Not the husband he loved, but someone entirely separate, and still a person Kirk cares about. ]

Edited 2025-03-02 16:00 (UTC)

[ honestly, in any other situation, jim might be laughing at the thought of spock realizing just how like jim's spock he really is. that this, that vicious curl of satisfaction over someone else's pain, no matter how deserved, is something jim saw the capability of from the start. felt the capability for as he died by spock's hands.

fucking hilarious.

but not right now.

he's too pissed, too scattered, too scared to think anything is funny right now.

spock's speaking, and even if jim wishes he could tune it out, could just not fucking listen to the words spock is placing in the dirt between them solid as the stone they sit on, he hears them all. every single one is a hook digging into his skin, clawing through flesh, and honestly?

he doesn't even have a rebuttal at this point because spock is horribly, agonizingly right.

he bites the inside of his cheek hard enough to bleed to keep further emotional outbursts in, but his chest hitches once, twice. he lifts his head and his gaze is sharp but his eyes are rimmed in red. ]

I'm not being left behind again.

[ because anyone else, jim could easily let die. wouldn't even blink. but not spock, not this man, who makes such unreasonable demands upon him. not this man, who wants to leave him with the one fucking thing jim's incapable of doing.

being alone. ]

[ Ah. The burn of satisfaction dies down to banked embers — but it does not disappear entirely. Spock does not pity this man, for all that in this moment, he is something pitiable. No, there is no pity, for this is something Spock has been aware of since the moment his counterpart passed. For all that Spock is in many ways the same as his counterpart, Kirk too is in many ways the same as Jim at his core. This is one of them.

Where Jim feared abandonment, Kirk is terrified. And like a wounded animal, he can do nothing but claw and bite and tear his way, fighting at every moment to keep what he sees as his.

And keeping those embers smoldering, is what Spock has also known since that moment: James Kirk of the other universe also cares, albeit despite himself. Despite every arrogant bit of selfishness, despite every callous sacrifice. He is human and he cannot hide from his very human emotions.

Spock leans in. Breathes in, breathes out — and rests his forehead against Kirk's. ]

I have no intention of leaving you alone. [ Faintly wry. He has no doubt that without him, Kirk will return to form, that form being a homicidal, self-centered piece of shit, as Jim had once described him. ] I will do what I must to protect my crew. In turn, I have and will continue to allow you to do what you must to protect my life.

[ jim becomes very still. he doesn't speak, doesn't yank back, barely even breathes when spock's forehead touches his own.

and after this? when things are back to normal and jim has his footing under him again? he's going to act like this conversation never happened, like he never had this outburst, that spock never saw him at his weakest.

right now though, he leans into the press of their foreheads and lifts his hand to grip at spock's nape, too gentle for the viciousness he'd just been showing but possessive all the same.

he breathes in. breathes out. huffs out a sound that's almost a laugh. ]

Yeah, if you croak I'm Captain until one of those assholes manages to kill me, so it's best for the crew if you stick around.

[ but now he's close, too fucking close, and he sits up all at once, actually dislodging spock's hand this time, and sets about wrapping the wound that's still only barely bleeding now that jim's stopped digging around in it. ]

better hope things turn around quick!

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