[ Curiously, Spock can feel very little sensation from the grip of Kirk's hand digging into his flesh. The expected psychic feedback is present, a strong, bitter hum of Kirk's thoughts. There is only a negligible amount of pain from the iron grip, though. A sign, Spock suspects, of how far the fungal threads have spread through this part of his body. After all, the fully infected crewmembers and natives had not reacted at all to any kind of injury.

That odd half-numbness is immediately stripped away the moment Kirk's knife dislodges a single filament. Agony shoots through Spock's arm, turns the wound into a burning ache. Spock does nothing. He grits his teeth against the pain and holds his arm perfectly still to allow Kirk to continue. To let Kirk continue slicing away at skin and muscle and green-tinged flesh laid bare, all threaded through with the foreign glisten of the webbing. ]

You are correct. [ His voice is tight with pain, but he manages to keep his tone nearly level. ] It was not about the captaincy.

[ Blunt. With Jim's absence, it is easy to miss that all of Spock's concern had been for Jim himself. Jim is no longer here to be made aware of how deeply Spock's emotional compromise had run.

He cannot help but flinch as Kirk digs the knife in, but Spock immediately forces his arm still again. Kirk will know the true extent of his pain from that reaction. It does not matter. Spock trusts Kirk to continue anyway. ]

[ Spock is not surprised by the first curse — was, in fact, expecting it after his reply. He is pleased to see that Kirk does not allow his anger to change the manner in which he continues to carve chunks of flesh and filament from Spock's arm.

It is a futile effort, of course. Spock will inform the medical team that he is infected the moment he is aboard the ship, if not the others trapped on the planet with them sooner. He intends only to conceal his status as long as he is completely in control of himself and thus able to protect his crewmembers while they wait for transport. There is no need to point this out to Kirk. Spock is certain Kirk knows him well enough to realize what he plans. That he knows Kirk well enough to understand that Kirk intends to thwart him in these actions is faintly bemusing, but even the curiosity surrounding that fact is buried by the pain that strikes through his body as Kirk slices out one large clump of webbing.

Spock hisses and bends his head, clenches his teeth hard enough that he accidentally bites his tongue on the sound. When he looks up again, blinking against the pain, he thinks for a moment that the infection has caused him to hallucinate. It is the only explanation for the wet tracks on Kirk's cheeks.

Then the surge tide of Kirk's thoughts hits him and Spock finds himself hissing out a breath for another reason entirely: loneliness, dark and consuming, the certainty that he will be abandoned. They claw through Spock's mind with such force that it takes him several seconds to isolate the emotions and realize that they are Kirk's rather than his own.

I hate you so fucking much, and it feels as though Spock is saying it himself, the words rasping out of his throat.

Spock pulls his arm away from Kirk. Reaches out and pulls the knifes from Kirk's grasp. Sets it aside. His head is blank, static with the shock of Kirk's feelings. Purely on instinct, he leans forward and wraps his hand around the nape of Kirk's neck. Their foreheads do not touch.

Levelly, utterly certain, he says: ]

You wish that were true.

[ Spock does not bother with disagreeing. Not when his hand remains hot against Kirk's skin, when Kirk pulled away but did not actually put any distance between them. Kirk's surprise runs electric through him, and with anyone else, Spock would release his hold. Anyone else, and he would allow them to run from this truth.

But not Kirk. Not this man, who makes such unreasonable demands upon him. Not this man, who will not let Spock go even when he wishes to.

Distantly, Spock is aware of a sick satisfaction beneath the numbing current of Kirk's emotions. Satisfaction — and fascination, just as hot and bitter, as the proof of Kirk's misery washes through his mind. Perhaps what Kirk has said is true: he must be more alike to the Spock of Kirk's universe than he would ever care to admit if he is able to find any kind of pleasure in this suffering, no matter that Kirk well deserves every second of it.

Does Kirk know? He can't help but wonder if this is what Kirk had seen in him that led him to insist how alike he was. ]

You desperately wish it were true. That you could hate me for not being him. [ Cold and matter of fact, a stone set against the emotion thrumming as much through Kirk's voice as touch of skin to skin. ] Even more, that you could hate me for being myself.

[ He knew, the first time Kirk looked at him with that glint in his eyes. He knew, when Kirk sent his first gift, the soft, furry bundles of sehlat cubs. He knew then as he knows now, that Kirk will not — cannot — see him as a mere replacement for the Spock he lost because Kirk sees him for himself, utterly different, a unique existence in all the many worlds. Not the husband he loved, but someone entirely separate, and still a person Kirk cares about. ]

[ Ah. The burn of satisfaction dies down to banked embers — but it does not disappear entirely. Spock does not pity this man, for all that in this moment, he is something pitiable. No, there is no pity, for this is something Spock has been aware of since the moment his counterpart passed. For all that Spock is in many ways the same as his counterpart, Kirk too is in many ways the same as Jim at his core. This is one of them.

Where Jim feared abandonment, Kirk is terrified. And like a wounded animal, he can do nothing but claw and bite and tear his way, fighting at every moment to keep what he sees as his.

And keeping those embers smoldering, is what Spock has also known since that moment: James Kirk of the other universe also cares, albeit despite himself. Despite every arrogant bit of selfishness, despite every callous sacrifice. He is human and he cannot hide from his very human emotions.

Spock leans in. Breathes in, breathes out — and rests his forehead against Kirk's. ]

I have no intention of leaving you alone. [ Faintly wry. He has no doubt that without him, Kirk will return to form, that form being a homicidal, self-centered piece of shit, as Jim had once described him. ] I will do what I must to protect my crew. In turn, I have and will continue to allow you to do what you must to protect my life.

[ For a moment, it feels disquietingly like Jim and one of the hundreds of moments they've taken on a mission gone bad. Only a moment, though. Spock will never allow himself the delusion that the man in front of him is Jim. It would be too dangerous, even if he was willing to do such disservice to Jim's memory. But it aches, a moment of discordance.

Spock does not pull away.

It is only Kirk's abrupt movement that parts them. Spock offers his arm without complaint, allowing Kirk to wrap it. He is still himself, and so long as he is, he will keep his word and allow Kirk to try to save him. ]

It would be illogical to allow you to ever fully take command of the Enterprise.

[ Illogical in far too many ways. Unlike Kirk, Spock has not made an effort to hide all of them from himself. He is starkly aware of his own feelings towards this man and the ways in which they defer from his feelings for Jim. He is not stupid enough to make the mistake of ever thinking they are the same. ]

I presume you will be remanding me to Doctors McCoy's care upon our return to the ship. Based upon preliminary findings, it should theoretically be possible to synthesize a compound that further slows the spread of the fungal infection. This compound may also serve as the basis for one that will eradicate the infection. I do not have the means to test and modify the compound at this time. The data the doctors will require is on my tricorder.

[ This is his capitulation: he will allow Kirk to save him, and he will even aid in the preservation of his life. ]

[ He is curious, he must admit, if Kirk actually believes that Spock is trying to kill himself. If Kirk thought that Spock would not offer up the information that might lead to his own cure without the ultimatum now lingering between them. It is not a question he is willing to ask, not now. Maybe not ever. There is no need to reveal to Kirk just how much of a leash exists between them.

Spock tilts his head up to give Kirk a narrow-eyed glare, but for once, he does not brush the too-tight grip away. ]

For a typical human, I estimate any attempt at an anti-fungal must be administered within less than an hour of the initial introduction of the infection to their system. [ Within an hour, the infection will have spread so thoroughly through the nervous system that it is unlikely that function will remain without it. ] However, that is without any kind of possible regeneration taken into account. As he is more knowledgeable in this field, Doctor McCoy may be able to engineer a more positive prognosis.

[ McCoy the sane one, who actually cares about saving lives.

The answer, of course, is yes, if it's possible. Possible, however, is currently not yet determined. ]

[ The main problem — the problem itself, of course, being how readily Kirk is willing to set aside the lives of any others to protect Spock's. Obviously, Kirk disagrees that this is a problem. Spock is unwilling to engage in this argument again during such an inopportune time.

Spock dips a glance down at his arm, then nods. Despite the odd numbness that is no doubt the fungal infection continuing to spread, he feels, for the moment, no worse than he has on any other equally disastrous away mission.

(He would not have revealed his emotional turmoil to Jim; revealing it to Kirk is out of the question.) ]

I am adequate. [ Back to normal. ] As I will be focusing on re-establishing communications with the ship, I leave the crew in your hands.

[ In case the infection affects my judgment, he doesn't say, you are essentially in command. ]