bakerstreet | april texting.

[ not a text but shouma gets a small package some time after they met in the hotel. it's the physical album for syh's debut and a couple tickets for an upcoming live. hiiragi knows he probably can't come, but he couldn't help himself. and a handwritten little note with a small cat doodle with fangs:

remember that demo i sent? it's the hidden track. it won't be on the digital release, so i figured i'd send this.

what falls out of the trifold letter: a polaroid hiiragi printed of him and shouma in kyoto by the river. hiiragi still looks worse for the wear in it but his smile is bright. the hand not holding the phone is cradling shouma's face, like he's trying to get him to turn towards him a little more. ]

[ it's fucked up, how reverently shouma treats each item in the package. brushing the drawing of the cat with the pad of his thumb, he stoops to pick up the fallen polaroid.

that hiiragi is hurt even in that picture of them together should be red flag enough to remind him to keep his distance. instead, shouma finds himself settling on the edge of his bed with his phone, typing out a message to him. ]

got your package
you excited for that gig?

[ stupid but cute cat sticker with a confetti ]

oh good! it's not much but i hope you like it!
and yeah!
i think they're gonna start kicking us out of the studio though
we keep losing track of time lol!

[ he did debate whether to choose that pic or not but he wanted one of them in kyoto, and apparently he didn't take as many as he normally would've if he'd been well...so the river it was. ]

[ if hiiragi notices shouma has started typing and then stopped multiple times, it's only because he keeps talking himself out of sending i miss you. meeting hiiragi at his hotel didn't help, really. ]

of course i like it
i'm gonna listen to it tonight

you remembering to eat?
you've gotta be on your game, right?

[ he notices, he extra notices and if he's hoping for such a text...okay he's totally hoping for it. but he shouldn't be so let down when the message is still positive, right? ]

no skipping or listening out of order, okay?

we go out to eat all the time!
kinda have to since we're almost never home

[ hiiragi doesn't realize it consciously: how he eats less lately, and convinces himself he feels better. lighter. being busy with syh feels good, and hiiragi thrives on external validation. if he doesn't give it his all, he'll never keep pace with the others.

but he's not thinking about it of course. what he's thinking is: ]

miss you

knowing you, you probably stressed over what order they should be in
so i'll put it on and just let it play

[ it's difficult not knowing if hiiragi is taking care of himself, knowing that he'll tell him he's doing fine no matter what. he's good with fronts, but shouma has to hope shizusumi and his friends are at least making sure he's doing okay.

his apartment feels too quiet the more he reads that last message, though. it prompts him to let it sit for a moment so he can light a cigarette. ]

miss you too
but glad you're doing ok

AND you gotta let me know what track you like best

[ if hiiragi was there, he'd be all but vibrating with anticipation. well he is anyway just not in front of him. ]

but what about you
imean are you
doing ok?

[ yuki and shizusumi do their best. in his own way though hiiragi can be as stubborn. nothing's come to a head quite yet. some of hiiragi's lack of appetite is also just anxiety about, well, yuki. but it's not something he'd bother shouma about. ]

i'll pay close attention so i can even tell you what i like the most about it

[ but shouma is sure it'll be that demo track for reasons he can't afford to look directly at. ]

yeah, i'm all good
just busy with work and school
nothing too exciting

maybe
you can tell me in person?

[ this one comes after hiiragi's lots of [...] typing and backspacing... shouma can tell him no...but he has to ask. seeing him at the hotel did and didn't help. instead of buying him time, it just made him miss him more. figures...and after...his face burns thinking about it so he tries to stop. (and fails.) he's pretty sure he's 'too old' for a first kiss. whatever. ]

you mean at your show?

[ even with the tickets in hand, he knows he can't go. negotiations with the other family have fallen apart in ways that make it impossible, but still keep hiiragi safe.

the tickets, the polaroid, and the letter get set near those acrylic standees hiiragi gave him. ]

[ without even being told, hiiragi gets it. he also imagines shouma putting the tickets exactly where he does, and then remembers the bracelet he left him and wonders if he thinks anything of it. but instead of asking about it... ]

anywhere

i figured you couldn't do the show
but wanted you to have em anyway

[ shouma has been carrying that bracelet around in his pockets, like it'll somehow summon hiiragi to randomly appear in front of him so he can return it. it's more than a little ridiculous. ]

yeah you figured right
wish i could though

[ it's more than he should say, but there's a lot of that when it comes to hiiragi. ]

we could try something like the hotel again
but no one can know

[ and shouma is too aware yuki knew last time. ]

me too

but something like the hotel again is good too
i just want to see you

[ he doesn't know yuki went behind his back to check shouma out, as if he could tell so much in text. it would bother hiiragi if he knew, only because it feels like yuki should trust him with this...and also because he knows there is a part of it that yuki isn't wrong about. the part shouma himself was trying to keep distance because of.

but hiiragi doesn't want to. ]

when?

[ the more they do this, the higher their chances of being found out are. it's seems like a really dangerous thing to play with hiiragi's safety like this. somehow, shouma is sure even yoshino would be pissed at him for this. ]

i want to see you too
but i also want you to be safe

is it too much trouble?

[ this comes after a much longer time than hiiragi's usual response time. he kind of regrets it as soon as it's sent but too late. if he gets an answer he doesn't like it's his own fault for asking. ]

it's never any trouble when it's you

[ an immediate response, in contrast. ]

i'll be careful
i promise

[ that some of it is out of their hands except to stop altogether...well they both know it. ]

and if i said i want to kiss you again
do you still think it's a good idea?

i

[ oops premature send ]

idon't know if it's good or bad
but i want you to

[ he's thought about it more than he's sure is normal...or well. he has no idea. his examples aren't run of the mill either. and shouma being his first, he's not got anything to compare to yet. ]

i keep thinking about how you felt

[ he's positive it's a bad idea. all it takes is one time and hiiragi could die — or worse. ]

i keep thinking about you
all the time
it's really distracting actually

[ it would be a lie to say he thinks seeing him would take off the edge...he'll just want to see him more. that's how it's been. he knows yuki is scared for him and shizusumi too. but... ]

i'm glad you still liked me
even dressed like that

[ he has no idea if shouma has preferences or not or doesn't care...but hiiragi was worried even though he put so much effort into it...he keeps rereading shouma's words...how did he feel to him? he wants to know. ]

[ it gets a laugh from shouma, but a far from happy one. if a dress and a wig were enough to stop him from liking hiiragi, things wouldn't feel so dire, he thinks. ]

because you were still you
even dressed like that

i wasn't all that sure you were into me
i thought you liked someone else

[ it would probably be better if hiiragi did, honestly. ]

ah and you might have to get used to it
it's my most convincing disguise so far

[ the other message....hiiragi frowns. thinks. ah. ]

i like you

[ i like you so much... and hiiragi is always kind of desperate for affection from the people he likes. but it's not just that he doesn't think yuki or shizu-chan like him that way. he likes shouma irregardless. ]

your dress was pretty short

[ which... is all he'll say about that. shouma remembers the looks he got from the hotel staff when he checked out the next morning. at least his wrinkled suit helped sell the whole facade. ]

i know that now
you probably wouldn't kiss people you didn't like that way

i think they're all kinda like that

[ but with all the styles they've been putting him in for photoshoots, he's becoming more and more desensitized to it, except to try and make it look good on himself, or 'herself'. the last spread was a straight up skirt but it didn't really matter paired with the huge hole ridden shirt and hiiragi's bass to finish the look. the socks wouldn't stay up for anything and they'd just let them scrunch down around his ankles. but they tend to give syh free clothes after some of these shoots and hiiragi's making use out of them. ]

i wouldnt
i mean

[ ah he almost said it but doesn't yet...face burning. ]

you didnt tell me though
when?

[ hiiragi wishes 'now' was possible though he knows it's not ]

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