bakerstreet | better hope things turn around quick!

[ yeah, they both know he doesn't need the help. but jim wants the contact, as much of it as possible, so that's what he gets. as soon as bones is in the bed with him jim is practically glued to him, urged up against his chest and under his chin with his arms looping around him.

he exhales a shaky little breath, feeling some of the anxiety and aching trains of thought drain out of him just from this, just from being held. he doesn't think it'd be the same if it were someone else, though. it has to be bones. it always has to be bones. he doesn't want to examine it at the moment, but i'm here is one of the sweetest sounds he's ever heard. ]

I'm here too.

[ it's quiet. so maybe it was a little on purpose for bones too, but they both deserve this. he even tangles their legs together for more points of contact like he used to do when he was really, really drunk and clingy. now he's just clingy. ]

Thanks.

[ he settles down after that at least, and he will try his best to sleep. hopefully the hold on him is enough to keep him grounded in reality instead of having circular thoughts about what happened. ]

[ I'm here too is balm to the gaping wound in his chest. Because he is. Despite the odds, Jim is there, in his arms, curling up against him and snuggling as close as he can get. Bones is pretty sure the man won't be satisfied until he finds a way to actually live inside of him, he's so damn needy.

He likes it, though.

The doctor gently pets at his back to help calm him, but he can feel the tendrils of sleep start to wrap around his own mind. He's been exhausted for days, and now that he's giving it a chance to catch up to him, he's feeling it to the fullest. ]

Yeah. Just sleep. [ He mumbles back to him, nudging him gently with his nose. ]

Uh-huh.

[ mumbled, because he really is already slipping into that ease he's always gotten when they're tangled up like this. and he does sleep. he sleeps just like that, limbs around him, nose in his neck, breathing even and slow and heartbeat normal.

he does have some nightmares, but they're more subdued than the first time he tried to sleep after waking from the whole being dead thing. so when he wakes from it it's with a shiver instead of a jolt, a quiet gasp instead of anything louder, and he settles back down quickly once he realizes just where he is and who he's with.

a slow sigh settles him back down to sleep for the rest of the night cycle at least, and he's even slow to wake when it flips to the next shift, bleary and sleepy even though he does feel more rested and settled.

he won't move until bones wakes and moves. until then, he's going to stay right where he is and listen to him breathe like he was the one who died for a while.

(there's a thought in the back of his mind trying to crawl into his actual consciousness but he's ignoring it for now. just focus on the now and not how his chest is twisted up real tight for entirely non-medical reasons.) ]

[ Bones sleeps like the... well, the dead. He's entirely unconscious, his brain desperate for every moment of healing that sleep can bring.

His nightmares are the same few minutes repeated over and over again through the night, with minor differences each time. Jim dying on his table, only now Bones is unable to bring him back. Maybe he doesn't get him into the pod fast enough, maybe when he takes him back out he still fails, maybe he's too exhausted to be able to heal him at all, and on one he's floating out in space watching through a window.

Very cool.

But he doesn't toss or turn, his eyebrows furrowing the only sign of the inner turmoil.

When he wakes, it's not peaceful. He jumps a little, then clutches tight around the person in his arms. ]

Shit.

[ jim is mostly back to dozing by the time this happens, warm and comfortable (even in the awful medbay bed) and just not thinking about any of the awful shit that happened actually. again, he'll unpack it later.

when bones jolts jim's eyes snap open and he's fully awake all at once, none of the easy-breezy slow wakeup from before. reality hits all at once, like the parts of his brain that pretended to forget for a little while started right back up again.

but he's here, and bones is here, and he's getting squeezed a little too tight but he lets it happen, lifting his head to bury it against the older man's temple as one hand lifts to cradle the opposite side of his neck and just hold onto him. ]

Hey, hey, it's all good.

[ Bones is panting softly, heart racing like he'd been running a marathon. There was a cold sweat on his skin and he feels like he might lose his fucking mind. The lights are too bright, the gentle beep of the machines too loud, and he's had panic attacks before so this isn't exactly brand new to him. But it's been a long time since he's had one and for the first few seconds he forgets how to handle it.

And then he hears Jim's voice. The reassurance that he's here and alive and yes, he did die, but he's safe now. Bones brought him back to life. He lets out a shaky breath as he tries to get ahold of himself, loosening the grip his has on his captain. It's not an instant fix, but he slowly begins to unwind from the chaos his mind stirred up. His breathing begins to even out, and he pulls away. ]

Jesus. Bad dream. [ As though that explains how he woke up.] I should. I should get to work.

Yeah. Me too.

[ even if he didn't wake up in a panic attack this time.

jim just holds onto bones as long as it takes. he presses a kiss to the top of his head, even, which is something he's had done to him that helps so why not?

but then bones pulls away and jim lets him. he's not so insecure that he thinks it's because of the affection. he's pretty sure they're both compartmentalizing pretty hard right now, but they need to process or whatever. it's fine and they're so normal and okay.

he just nods, careful about how he fixes a piece of the older man's hair into place. ]

Yeah, okay.

[ There's some pretty clear guilt on his face when he crawls out of the bed, because he knows that Jim doesn't want to be left alone in here. And he'd been far more gentle with him than anyone else has been in... years, probably. Bones doesn't trust pretty much anyone to be around him mid attack. Even the people he loves.

He smooths his hair and grabs for his padd. ]

I'll be back to check on you in an hour or so, all right? Hit that button and order some breakfast. If you're done by the time I get back, I'll release you.

[ AKA Jim can get the fuck out of medbay since he's probably desperate to, and find somewhere that won't make him as anxious. The doctor disappears before he gets a response. A whirlwind of mental illness. ]

[ jim doesn't know what to do to make that guilt on the older man's face go away. what the hell is he supposed to say? to do? he knows bones doesn't expect him to fix anything, and is clearly instead Leaving The Situation, which he can't really blame him for, but jim's got that problem. that disease.

the wanting to help people he loves disease.

he's sitting up by the time bones is giving him instructions, and he wants to answer in the affirmative buuuttt does not get the chance to. ]

Yeah, okay.

[ the same words again, this time to the empty room. he does order breakfast though, and does his best to be chipper and charming to whoever brings the tray in. it probably feels kind of flat, but he's doing his best here.

he kind of picks at it a bit, unconsciously drawing it out, and by the time bones gets back he's almost but not quite done with the eggs he's been moving around with his fork for the last five minutes.

god, this is so stupid mental illness indeed. ]

[ Splashing cold water on his face sets him to rights (it doesn't) and Bones is able to focus on making sure he didn't miss anything while he was asleep. Because he, uh, definitely was supposed to be working and not wrapped up in his captain's arms. He could get in some real trouble for that shit. But the medical staff must know what horrific shape he's in mentally because no one of them says a thing.

So he feels a little better when he returns to Jim's room to see how he's doing. He's disappointed to see that he's not finished with a meal that's got to be cold by now, unless he waited a while to order it. ]

Guess you're not getting released. [ He's trying to joke around a little. Haha thisisfine.jpg ]

[ jim looks up when bones actually comes in and he smiles, like a real smile for the most part that's only a little bit pretending he's okay when he's not. okay, a lotta bit. but at least bones knows that, he guesses. he shouldn't have to, but he does.

jim puts away the instinctive captain smile and huffs a low sound that's almost a laugh instead, and he stabs the eggs one more time before just setting his fork down. ]

Damn, can't believe my noncompliance got me stuck here longer.

[ hey wait a minute. ]

[ No, it's definitely weird. Jim should be clawing out of his own skin to get the hell out of medbay. He'd probably eat an entire bowl of live Gagh if it meant not hanging around. Bones stares at him with his eyebrows furrowed, trying to figure him out.

Instead of saying anything at first, he grabs for his tricorder and goes for another reading. It doesn't... seem like there's anything new wrong with the captain. Did dying do brain damage? He didn't detect any but theoretically it would be possible, right? ]

Normally I'd have to chain you to the bed to get you to stay. [ He sounds very confused. ]

It's stupid.

[ at least he admits it for once. he halfheartedly shoves the plate away a couple of inches on the tray, not really looking at bones, letting him scan him. when he does look back at him, his brow's knit a little to match. ]

I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to see the looks on their faces, I don't want people looking at me knowing I died, I don't want anyone's pity or gratitude, I just... I'm not ready. Fucked up, right? I should go back to work soon but I just want to stay here in one of the places I hate having to be in the most.

[ social calls are an exception, of course, but they both know what he means. ]

[ It's tough, because it would benefit Bones to have Jim around. He'd get the constant reminders of him being alive, for one, and he did actually get some sleep. But he knows this isn't like his captain. Jim's never been not ready to see his crew. Loves them more than pretty much anything out there.

So a good doctor would let him stay. Hell, a good friend probably would. Bones isn't going to let Jim sit in his anxieties and fears, though. It wouldn't be him if he did. For god's sake, one of them has to be normal. ]

Sorry, Jim. You're going to have to get back out there. They've waited long enough for their captain to return to them. Anyway, you're not going to see pity or shock, you're going to see relief. And even if someone does look at you funny, what's it matter? Your hair isn't still slick from the womb, you know what you're doing. Tell them to get lost.

[ Bones takes his tray, giving a firm nod. ]

I—what? You're always bugging me to stay here longer when I'm here. Should I have complained like usual? Framed a daring escape to get caught in the middle of? I'm tired, Bones.

[ but like, logically he knows bones is right. and if he sits and stews in his thoughts it's just going to get worse. he taps his fingers on the bed's edge anxiously before grunting in annoyance and swinging his legs to the side to stand up. ]

Fine! Fine. But in return you gotta let me sleep with you again tonight because I'm not going to be able to otherwise.

[ Bones gives a half smile in response to Jim's frustration with him. He knows that he's doing the best thing for his captain's mental health, and that's just as much part of healing him as taking care of the physical wounds. Besides, the crew worships the man, he can't imagine there'd be much in the way of pitying looks. They'll all just stare at him with hearts in their eyes.

The demand to sleep with him again makes him laugh. Of course Jim would find a way to get more cuddles out of the situation. But if he wakes up in the midst of another attack, it'll be good to have him there. ]

All right. But we're staying in your quarters, they're way better than mine. [ They've both been in each other's rooms enough to know that's true. ]

Yeah, obviously. Bigger bed. More room for activities. Like holding me.

[ he still feels deeply unsure of himself with this whole going out around other people thing, but he's going to do his best anyway. I'm just going to say he's got a uniform waiting for him that he puts on, and he almost looks normal in it.

he does step up to bones so he can drape his arms over his shoulders and briefly touch foreheads with him. ]

What if I just said I'll miss you, huh? What then?

Activities. Right.

[ Jim might not have a lot of confidence in himself going back out there, but Bones does, and damn it that should count for something. He nudges his captain's forehead with his own, not quite headbutting but enough to show he's returning the gesture. It's one of their weird things, he's totally used to it by now. ]

Well, it's a good thing I'm being contracted as your designated cuddle-buddy, hm?

[ There's a little bit of that playful light back in his eyes. It's certainly a start. ]

[ the thing is, he visibly relaxes when the gesture is returned and some of the matching light in his eyes brightens up too. ]

Yeah. It is a good thing.

[ one more little nudge and he heads out, albeit reluctantly. he doesn't pick up captain duties again yet, leaving it to spock just a little longer, but he does check on some things and put some face time in so people can see him alive and relatively well. it's me tiring than he'd anticipated; he eats some lunch and then goes to his quarters for the rest of the day, though he does message bones a couple of status updates in the meantime.

he figures he'll stay in the rest of the we day and occupy himself with reading things not reports until it's time to eat dinner and then also after that get the cuddling they both deserve. ]

[ Fuck he's soft on Jim. Everyone knows it, too. He smiles when he gets the updates, the only time that happens at all for the rest of his shift. There's still a weight in his chest, but it's not quite as daunting. It's a little easier to breathe.

Bones, because he's maybe the nicest man on Earth, gets dinner for them both and goes to Jim's room with it. Figures that since the younger man did what he asked and faced the world, it's important to reward him. A little classic conditioning never hurt anyone. He even got Jim's favorites from the mess.

It's fortunate that he has special access into the captain's quarters, since both of his hands are occupied. He strolls in casually. ]

Before you even ask, yes, you have to eat the whole side salad I brought, too.

[ bones IS nice for getting them dinner. less nice for the salad, but jim only scowls about it briefly. ]

You know that I hate salad.

[ which is why he doesn't eat enough of it. it's a solid strategy to force him like this. he does eat the stupid salad, first even and with minimal grumbling, to get it out of the way. then he meanders through eating his favorites not because he doesn't want to eat but because he's taking his time. it's nice sitting here eating with bones, is the thing. he likes it. ]

It wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be but it was still a lot.

[ he's not talking about the salad. ]

[ The scowl doesn't threaten him in the least. Bones just rolls his eyes and has a seat so he can work on eating his own dinner. He's expecting more of a battle (he usually has to promise Jim something to get him to eat a damn salad), so he's pleasantly surprised when it turns out not to be. He's not sure if it's because the guy was already promised cuddles that night or he's feeling better about what he went through, but he'll take it either way. ]

I know it was, and you're better for having done it. [ He is absolutely patting himself on the back for this one. It's always hard to say no to Jim, especially when what he's asking for is usually something Bones would want to allow, but this was the right call this time. ]

I'm proud of you, Jim.

[ it's the combination of getting all the stuff he actually likes with it and the promise of cuddles that make him slightly more compliant than usual with the salad thing. which is a way better reason than he had for his compliance with the medbay thing.

he looks at bones a moment after the first comment, expression likely inscrutable to anyone else. but it'll be loud and clear in here when it's just them. he's touched, overwhelmed, and, despite everything, kind of happy. he reaches out to pat the older man's arm, shooting him a truly genuine smile. ]

Somebody has to be, Bones.

[ it's teasing, at least. he knows the crew appreciates him and what he did. bones' approval means the most though, and doubly so when it's over something as "small" as facing the crew instead of hiding. ]

Lucky me. [ Bones gives him a half smile and goes back to eating. Things are beginning to feel a little bit more normal. The two of them teasing each other, and that adorable look on Jim's face. Surely if he just represses all of his thoughts and feelings, and focuses on the nice things happening, his mental health will be restored.

His arm moves when it's pat and he reaches for the younger man's hand instead, giving it a small squeeze to back up what he said. He knows it means a lot for Jim to hear it, but he said it because he'd genuinely meant it. He's proud that his closest friend will do the hard stuff, even though it means risking being vulnerable.

Bones could honestly learn a thing or two from him, if he were to look inward. ]

You get enough to eat? Figured you wouldn't want anything super heavy. [ In the South, feeding someone is a way to show love. ]

Lucky you? Lucky me.

[ everyone here is repressing a whole bunch of shit, it's fine. :)

anyway, when bones takes his hand jim gets very still but not in a bad way: he looks down at their hands for a long moment before turning his slightly to give him a squeeze back. he's solid and real and alive and it's all because of bones. fucked up, right? to owe your entire existence to one person.

but it doesn't feel like a burden or something frightening when it's bones. because of course it's bones. who else could it possibly be?

the line of questioning makes him smile and he shrugs one shoulder. ]

You know I could almost always go for food, but I'm feeling alright right now. It was a good call avoiding anything really heavy even if a milkshake sounds really good. Maybe tomorrow, I'm pretty wiped out.

better hope things turn around quick!

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https://www.tumblr.com/trek-tracks/745979869871177728/ingest-your-leaves-text-shamelessly-stolen-fro

heeeelp it's too real

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