![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
1. Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
2. yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
3. I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
4. Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
5. TEXT HIM
2. yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
3. I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
4. Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
5. TEXT HIM
01. Can I get my morals surgically removed?
02. You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
03. Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
04. Couch. On fire.
05. This guy needs to stop asking about my feet.
Edited 2020-01-10 14:21 (UTC)
1. You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned miko with a dildo from across the room.
2. I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
3. This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
4. Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
2. I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
3. This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
4. Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
1. I would like to strongly advise against both that tie and that course of action.
2. You would think that I’ve learned my lesson by now, but apparently I wasn’t paying attention the first time. Don’t we all get a little distracted once in a while?
3. Since a restful nights sleep has been stolen from me, and there’s nothing on television at this hour, I’ve taken up residence at the nearby Tim Hortons.
4. The point is that they weren’t the culprit, so I have a new vendor to visit at lunchtime.
5. No I did not read the nutritional content on this box of cereal. I’ve learned my lesson, and I don’t need that kind of negativity to start off my day.
6. Awkward situation aside, I met his neighbour. He’s a kindly old man, and he makes the best snicker-doodles.
7. You drank all my wine and started a debate on whether or not big foot exists.
8. It’s impossible to know when the middle of my life is, so I’ve decided to have an ongoing crisis.
9. Excuse me, but if you’re going to shame me via text for what I got at the food-truck I’m not sharing my fries anymore.
10. Missfire and/or text him!
And yet, still not as gratifying as if I hit him, myself.
1. I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Raleigh by the way.
2. You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
3. I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
4. Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
1. I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be magical.
2. We're playing family charades. My sister pointed at me. Everyone guessed disappointment.
3. Everybody was literally kung fu fighting.
4. Text her.
1. Y-O-U-R-E = You are, Y-O-U-R = Your. You are a bag of dicks, not your bag of dicks. If you're going to insult me at least do it in proper English. That is all.
2. I have a critically important question to ask.
3. So, some fellow at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake.
4. Text him.
1. You taped knives to your hands and made everyone call you Baraka.
2. When he came he screamed "MORTAL KOMBAT!!!!" at the top of his lungs
3. Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
4. Text her.
1. Just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
2. He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more champagne than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
3. You kept crying and I couldn't help but laugh at you.
4. Text her.
1. Lorenzo's passed out on the chair with a glass of bourbon and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use magic to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
2. Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
3. She called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm and play Candy Crush at the same time?
4. Text her.
1. Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
2. swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
3. so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
4. I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
5. text him! 01. I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
02. Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
03. A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with.
04. Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
05. He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
1. But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
2. I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
3. there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
4. I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
2. I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
3. there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
4. I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
1. You called me drunk last night to talk about summoning demons with magic WTF.
2. Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love.
3. We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
4. Text her.
1. She's got a butler. A fucking butler. She's like Batman, but with a better ass.
2. This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
3. For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
4. Text him.
1. Well no, actually - you vomited on me, my car, and a little on my dog; I'd say you owe me more than a drink.
2. You've seen me in large groups of people, right? I'm not exactly 'New Years Eve party plus one' material.
3. Guy just smelled my hair on the tube. Pretty ready to set myself on fire now.
4. 'You have great lift technique', aka your last words to me before passing out in my arms like a fainting damsel.
5. Don't take that tone of text with me, I made you goddamn blueberry muffins.
6. All I did was suggest he go home and slip into something more comfortable.
Like a coma.
7. This is a message for the awake version of you; I have your car keys, drink some water, take a nurofen.
8. I still maintain he broke his own jaw.
9. It's a little sad that the most exciting thing to happen to me recently is that I got 9 hours of undisturbed sleep last night.
10. Text her! Misfires and assumed CR welcome.
2. You've seen me in large groups of people, right? I'm not exactly 'New Years Eve party plus one' material.
3. Guy just smelled my hair on the tube. Pretty ready to set myself on fire now.
4. 'You have great lift technique', aka your last words to me before passing out in my arms like a fainting damsel.
5. Don't take that tone of text with me, I made you goddamn blueberry muffins.
6. All I did was suggest he go home and slip into something more comfortable.
Like a coma.
7. This is a message for the awake version of you; I have your car keys, drink some water, take a nurofen.
8. I still maintain he broke his own jaw.
9. It's a little sad that the most exciting thing to happen to me recently is that I got 9 hours of undisturbed sleep last night.
10. Text her! Misfires and assumed CR welcome.
Page 1 of 274
- «
- 1
- 2
- 3
- 4
- 5
- 6
- 7
- 8
- 9
- 10
- 11
- 12
- 13
- 14
- 15
- 16
- 17
- 18
- 19
- 20
- 21
- 22
- 23
- 24
- 25
- 26
- 27
- 28
- 29
- 30
- 31
- 32
- 33
- 34
- 35
- 36
- 37
- 38
- 39
- 40
- 41
- 42
- 43
- 44
- 45
- 46
- 47
- 48
- 49
- 50
- 51
- 52
- 53
- 54
- 55
- 56
- 57
- 58
- 59
- 60
- 61
- 62
- 63
- 64
- 65
- 66
- 67
- 68
- 69
- 70
- 71
- 72
- 73
- 74
- 75
- 76
- 77
- 78
- 79
- 80
- 81
- 82
- 83
- 84
- 85
- 86
- 87
- 88
- 89
- 90
- 91
- 92
- 93
- 94
- 95
- 96
- 97
- 98
- 99
- 100
- 101
- 102
- 103
- 104
- 105
- 106
- 107
- 108
- 109
- 110
- 111
- 112
- 113
- 114
- 115
- 116
- 117
- 118
- 119
- 120
- 121
- 122
- 123
- 124
- 125
- 126
- 127
- 128
- 129
- 130
- 131
- 132
- 133
- 134
- 135
- 136
- 137
- 138
- 139
- 140
- 141
- 142
- 143
- 144
- 145
- 146
- 147
- 148
- 149
- 150
- 151
- 152
- 153
- 154
- 155
- 156
- 157
- 158
- 159
- 160
- 161
- 162
- 163
- 164
- 165
- 166
- 167
- 168
- 169
- 170
- 171
- 172
- 173
- 174
- 175
- 176
- 177
- 178
- 179
- 180
- 181
- 182
- 183
- 184
- 185
- 186
- 187
- 188
- 189
- 190
- 191
- 192
- 193
- 194
- 195
- 196
- 197
- 198
- 199
- 200
- 201
- 202
- 203
- 204
- 205
- 206
- 207
- 208
- 209
- 210
- 211
- 212
- 213
- 214
- 215
- 216
- 217
- 218
- 219
- 220
- 221
- 222
- 223
- 224
- 225
- 226
- 227
- 228
- 229
- 230
- 231
- 232
- 233
- 234
- 235
- 236
- 237
- 238
- 239
- 240
- 241
- 242
- 243
- 244
- 245
- 246
- 247
- 248
- 249
- 250
- 251
- 252
- 253
- 254
- 255
- 256
- 257
- 258
- 259
- 260
- 261
- 262
- 263
- 264
- 265
- 266
- 267
- 268
- 269
- 270
- 271
- 272
- 273
- 274
- »
Page 1 of 274